Bedtime Stemming and Emotions

The clock flashed 1:11 am....

My ears had been listening to the non-stop vocal stemming for 4 hours now. My eyes could barely stay open. I had tried every trick I had up my sleeve; brushing, reiki, floor-time... This was just something we had to ride out.

1:24 am...

I was tired, I knew we had a busy day ahead of us; Music therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, and speech therapy. Mondays are our busy days... coming off of a 3 week bout of the kidney stones my mind and body was tired and weak. So tired! Patience has been drained from my essence... I snapped in a voice that must have seemed ferocious to her, "SAHARA, PLEASE GO TO SLEEP!!"

She started to cry. Not a tired cry, but a pissed off 'you hurt my feelings kind of cry!'. She was screaming on top of her lungs this dramatic forced angry cry!! Then she yelled, "I HATE YOU!" (pause) "I HATE YOU!"

I was stunned!!

I laid there in disbelief, not sure if I should cry or laugh. I rewound to the moment my older daughter, Emily, uttered those painful 3 words. I remembered the devastation in my heart and felt a twinge of motherly pain.

1:28 am...

I wasn't sure how to respond, so I laid there listening to the screams and cries of her processing the foreign emotion of being pissed off at her mother. I felt bad I raised my voice. I felt guilty knowing she couldn't control the stemming. And I felt helpless in the knowledge that if I interrupted her, she would have to start all over resulting in a long sleepless night.

1:30 am...

Part of me was quietly relieved as I reached over to rub her warm back. She uttered those hateful words! This had huge significance! It meant that she understood she was pissed off and she understood she was pissed off at me... not the stemming, not the autism, but at her mother for losing her patience. She had come out of her stemming and appropriately experienced her emotions.

1:34 am...

She rolled over into my motherly arms and rest her head upon my breast. She whimpered as she fiddled with my fingers. "Sahara, I love you," I gently whisper as I stroked her tears away. "I love you more than the infinite universe."

1:36 am...

All was quiet. I heard the rise and fall of her exhausted sleep. I brushed away my tears and sighed, "I am so sorry."

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Mother Rebel

I didn’t wake up one morning a mother rebel and decide to piss off all of my family and friends. In fact, I didn’t reveal my mothering style to anyone for many years (as it was a personal decision between my husband and me). It wasn’t until after I recorded my research and experiences in The Mother Consciousness that I started to openly talk about our lifestyle.

I entered my stance on holistic mothering with caution; researching as much literature that I could get my hands on. I have spent countless hours filtering through research articles, documents, online resources and books. I have read many different perspectives pertaining to different mothering and health practices. I have weighed out the facts, sifted through consequences, and rendered personal decisions.

I, also, put the energy forth to not take the inventory of other mothers whom views may differ from my own. However, I have made it my business to inform others about my findings… why?

Because… until I entered a conversation with a health care professional about vaccines, I didn’t know I had a right to question the constructs man had instituted upon mothers. I was naive to the mere fact that I had a right to make an educated mindful choice about the physical, emotional and spiritual well being of my off spring. After some self-discovery, I determined that I had the inherent right to raise my kids as I deemed in their best interest… even if that meant going against the grain. Empowered with knowledge and maternal instinct, I knew that some stranger in a white lab coat or Armani suit did not have the power to dictate how we were going to raise our children.

Man is fallible; if you want to know how I reached that conclusion read my book. In The Mother Consciousness I talk about the series of events that awakened the natural mother within me including the death of my father, the brutality of a cervical biopsy, being misinformed about the future of my ability to bear children, the sexual abuse in America, and more.

I do have a pet peeve with some of the mothers that have not made the decisions I have… not because they choose a different lifestyle, that is their right too. In all honesty, I usually keep my mouth shut about their practices in order to avoid the agonizing confrontation and I believe that you have the right to raise your kids how you see fit. However, after many discussions with other mothers who have similar perspectives and after talking with those who don’t, I conclude that many women in the holistic movement feel forced to defend their mothering philosophies.

I no longer have the energy to defend myself… until you have a child that is suspected to have a vaccine injury and until you have tried to participate in attachment / holistic mothering you cannot rationally condemn my perspectives. Frankly, if my mothering practices offend you, make you feel less than, or stimulate something uneasy in you, that is your issue not mine. Simply don’t read what I post here on my Alterna-mom blog, Twitter or Facebook. And certainly, don’t buy my book, The Mother Consciousness. I do not force this life style (which takes much energy and focus) on anyone. But, as a wellness educator, I will inform you so that you too can make an educated decision. And if that decision is different than the one I’d make, that is okay, because you made it mindfully.

I decided not vaccinate my children before autism was intimately in our lives.

I do associate the 3 injections of a vaccine they mandated I take because of my Rh negative blood to my daughter’s autism.

I understand that to vaccinate is a choice, not something that doctors or government should mandate or force you to do.

I believe it is illogical to put thimersol into a pregnant or lactating woman.

I acknowledge that natural immunity is far superior to the toxins forced into your infant and child’s body.

I question the effects of the mother’s vaccination history on her offspring.

I do think the breast is best.

I advocate that women nurse their children beyond infancy; the world average is 4 years.

I think it is normal for women to tandem nurse siblings that have resulted from single births.

I know the home is the best place to birth during an uncomplicated labor and delivery.

I correlate medication and institutionalized birthing to the pestilence of sickness among our children.

If I had had a son I would have left him whole and intact the way our creator intended him to be.

I think co-sleeping with your child fosters trust and security.

I know that the power that created the body has the power to heal the body.

I trust that a fever is an expression of health.

I understand that when a mother works away from the children they are exposed to possible abuse and neglect.

I know the mother is the best caregiver for her children.

If you are in alignment of my views, I am glad we have connected and look forward to expanding our Mother Consciousness together. If you are intrigued I am glad you have an open mind and invite you to learn more. If you cannot relate to any of this simply hit the x button, turn away and move on… don’t try to convince me my views are wrong and in return, I will not disrespect your views; let’s simply agree to disagree.

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Co-Sleeping Offers The Building Block For Trust and Open Communication

As some of you know, I am an advocate of the family bed. We happened upon this the evening of the day we brought Emily home from the hospital. I couldn’t tolerate that my tiny new baby lay in that cage of crib all alone after spending the first part of her existence within me; my maternal instincts screamed at me to pull her into the bed with us. As soon as I heeded this urge, I felt my anxiety melt away and fell into an innate rhythm of nursing and sleeping through the night.

In The Mother Consciousness I discuss how this prompted me to research the practice of the family bed around the world. I discovered that we were one of the few countries to displace their infants and children from the vicinity of the sleeping quarters of the mother; most infants of the world sleep within the close proximity of the mother in order to beckon the needs of her off spring. So, with my innate yearnings and the realization that this was only taboo in my backyard we ventured into the realm of co-sleeping.

Today, we live in a world where children are disconnected from their mothers & fathers for the majority of their day. Working parents send their younglings to daycare and nursery schools leaving them with a couple waking hours to spend together. If older children are not in school they are off with their friends or absorbed by all of the technology the 21st century offers them. My conclusion is that if you spend time sleeping together at least you have the opportunity to energetically connect.

Recently, I observed some teens that have both parents working out of the home. Now, I am not against the working mother. I was a working mother for the first 6 years of my motherhood, but I am against the parent that takes mothering lightly resulting in unsupervised children or children left with no moral development. A few of the things I saw these kids doing alarmed me... like lighting bottle rockets at their neighbor’s home and lying in the street during rush hour.

That evening during one of our twilight conversations my daughter and I discussed the behaviors we had observed. We talk about the safety issues, the lack of self control and even the boy girl dynamics we witnessed. We were able to have this discussion in the quiet of the night without contempt or the lecturing that typically follows such incidents; at an angle of respect, unconditional love, and self-empowerment.

This is just one of the many times that I understood that the family bed offered a sanctuary to my budding tween. Somehow over the years she has been able to disclose feelings and experiences in this setting that she hasn’t been able to process during the height of the day. It had become a safe haven where all judgment lay behind and it is understood that no matter what she discusses with me regardless of the topic is met with openness.

Could co-sleeping have prevented such deviant behavior in those teens? In and of itself…probably not, but it could have set the stage to reduce the need for attention seeking behaviors that could harm oneself or others. When an infant cries it is cueing the mother to respond, when the infant's needs are responded to appropriately and in a timely manner, the child learns that they can trust the primary caregiver which generalizes to all adults.

When children are displaced and forced to sleep in a separate room and cries are not satiated, they are being hardwired that they cannot trust the adults around them. I believe that when this occurs they learn early on that they have to have dramatic tantrums (lying in the street) in order to get the attention they deserve. In this case, negative attention is better than no attention at all.

I understand the need for independence and self empowerment, but I believe this can be achieved through other means than displacing our children from the close proximity of the mother during the sleeping hours. I also understand the concern of the marital bed, but let me reassure you that in no way has this inhibited our relations. In fact, this has created the opportunity to become creative and spontaneous in our connections. More so, the flirting and quiet sexual innuendos between my husband and myself during our daily activities has created a greater sense of romance; something I see missing from many couples that are far beyond the honeymoon phase of their marriages.

All in all, I have no regrets for the decision we had made in regards to our sleeping arrangements. In fact, I believe that one of the reasons that our youngest daughter (whom is diagnosed with autism) easily displays affection to us and people outside the family construct is because of the foundations laid by attachment parenting practices; co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding. I believe that each of my children have gained positive attributes that have been fostered through these practices.

Last night, however, after creating the perfect sleeping space, Emily decided on her own accord to sleep in her new room. It was a long night for us all… we could hear her toss and turn among her surrogate mothers (stuffed animals) trying to find that perfect nesting space. Then her little sister tossed and turned with the absence of her big sister.

This, too, is a task that I am sure we will all adjust to. And in the mean time, I will have to make a conscious effort to continue to connect with my daughter and offer opportunities for open communication based on trust and respect.

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Birthday Presence

There is nothing quite like having a birthday party with screaming kids and toxic food (known to others as pizza, pop, and cupcakes). But, I won’t go there today. You know, ranting about the food industry—but maybe later this week I’ll revisit that one...

For now, I’d like to focus on a very special birthday! It was Sahara’s 5th birthday yesterday.

Not many of my mom friends will understand this, but if you are a mom to a child on the spectrum you most likely will. In the past five years we have had many gifts exchanges; birthdays, Christmas, Easter, yes, even made up holidays just for the sake of mixing it up. But… there was always this solemn energy blanketing the festivities.

Emily usually unwrapped all of the presents and Sahara stared off in space or got up to play with the toys she found comfort in. You could hear the frustration in Emily’s voice as she would yell, "Sahara look. Sahara! S_A_H_A_R_A! Look it’s beautiful!" as her sister would just stay in her own world.

I always felt sadness in the depth of my heart that the well thought out gifts just laid there among the discarded wrappings. I would find myself begging God to help us find a way to bring her back to us. Maybe he was listening because somehow this year was different… This year Sahara participated!

She sat focused and actually ‘got’ what was happening around her. She delicately unwrapped each and every present (a total of six, which is alot)… with such awareness. You could see the anticipation in her eyes (something we have never witnessed in this child). Once the present was unwrapped she would give this faint smile of approval and pleasure (again, something we have never witnessed).

Emily sat their giggling while Sahara examined each and every gift before she moved onto the next. I quietly basked in the moment of witnessing both of my girls 'having a moment'. The rest of the day Sahara carried her new Tinkerbell and Cow doll around with her everywhere she went. She even carefully placed each in between us last night before she drifted off to sleep.

I think the greatest gift given on her birthday wasn’t in any of those pretty pink wrapped boxes, or laying between us as we co-slept, but rather in the essence of a young girl who joined us to celebrate her 5th birthday…the gift of presence.

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The Mother Consciousness

It is time for us to reclaim our innate rights and restore our instincts as they guide us towards true health and security for the children of the today and of the future.

We must reinvest in the natural development of our children behaviorally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

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Co-Sleeping Promotes Security and Self Confidence

In the United States, prior to the 19th century, it was customary for an infant/child to sleep within close proximity to it's mother. However, it may surprise you that more cultures than not continue to participate in the parental act of co-sleeping with their young.

The mother co-sleeping is better able to attend to the child's needs when the child is placed in close proximity to her. This act tends to promote security and a sense of well-being within the child. Cultures that nurture their children 24 hours a day tend to produce more secure, balanced, and productive adults.

On the contrary, when a child is left isolated in a private room to cry itself to sleep, cortisol levels are raised creating a stressed immune response and higher blood pressure & insulin levels. A study was performed on baby monkeys that concluded that when a child is left in this manner, that even when it is able to self soothe it continues to have high cortisol levels.

So, our child is quite and we are all sleeping, but internally the child is experiencing biological stress levels even though it is not demonstrating an outward stress reaction. In the monkey study the monkeys cortisol remained high even after 80 episodes of being left alone. Could this contribute to some of the disorders and illnesses our children are experiencing now more than ever? (ADHD, autism, juvenile diabetes, violence, mental challenges?)

I don't know the answer to that... But I do know that when a child is soothed and it's innate cues (cries) are understood and responded to appropriately, the child will learn to trust and rely upon the mother and develop a greater self confidence. This trust and effective communication skill will transcend not only through infancy but through childhood and into the teenage years and adulthood.

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