Bedtime Stemming and Emotions

The clock flashed 1:11 am....

My ears had been listening to the non-stop vocal stemming for 4 hours now. My eyes could barely stay open. I had tried every trick I had up my sleeve; brushing, reiki, floor-time... This was just something we had to ride out.

1:24 am...

I was tired, I knew we had a busy day ahead of us; Music therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, and speech therapy. Mondays are our busy days... coming off of a 3 week bout of the kidney stones my mind and body was tired and weak. So tired! Patience has been drained from my essence... I snapped in a voice that must have seemed ferocious to her, "SAHARA, PLEASE GO TO SLEEP!!"

She started to cry. Not a tired cry, but a pissed off 'you hurt my feelings kind of cry!'. She was screaming on top of her lungs this dramatic forced angry cry!! Then she yelled, "I HATE YOU!" (pause) "I HATE YOU!"

I was stunned!!

I laid there in disbelief, not sure if I should cry or laugh. I rewound to the moment my older daughter, Emily, uttered those painful 3 words. I remembered the devastation in my heart and felt a twinge of motherly pain.

1:28 am...

I wasn't sure how to respond, so I laid there listening to the screams and cries of her processing the foreign emotion of being pissed off at her mother. I felt bad I raised my voice. I felt guilty knowing she couldn't control the stemming. And I felt helpless in the knowledge that if I interrupted her, she would have to start all over resulting in a long sleepless night.

1:30 am...

Part of me was quietly relieved as I reached over to rub her warm back. She uttered those hateful words! This had huge significance! It meant that she understood she was pissed off and she understood she was pissed off at me... not the stemming, not the autism, but at her mother for losing her patience. She had come out of her stemming and appropriately experienced her emotions.

1:34 am...

She rolled over into my motherly arms and rest her head upon my breast. She whimpered as she fiddled with my fingers. "Sahara, I love you," I gently whisper as I stroked her tears away. "I love you more than the infinite universe."

1:36 am...

All was quiet. I heard the rise and fall of her exhausted sleep. I brushed away my tears and sighed, "I am so sorry."