The Cleavers We Are Not

Since I was cooped up for the last few weeks (and I really didn't feel like cooking), we decided to venture into the world of eating out tonight. I called ahead to check out what they had on the buffet to be sure each child would have adequate choices. Problem? We choose a restaurant that was foreign to Sahara.

As she entered the building, she scoped out all of her surroundings and off she went. She had to walk (a.k.a. run) the entire perimeter of the restaurant before even glancing at the life-less food presentation. I tried to persuade her to entertain food options that she would have some interest in (pizza, plain noodles, plain lettuce, broccoli), but I knew the vast amount of odors were overwhelming her as was all the noise and people. She was over stimulated and on overload... and so was I.

However, it was the gazing and whispers of the bystanders that raised my anxiety the most.... I just wanted to yell, "she has autism... quit staring!". But, I bit my tongue and withheld my tears. I felt them burning in my eyes... but, I forced myself to not let my weakness conquer me. I felt a quiver in my throat as I told my husband to eat fast. Emily asked, "Why?". I scanned the room for just one understanding smile, but am left feeling disappointed, "I don't feel good."

Partly that was true. I was having high anxiety and I was sick to my stomach to see my child out of control. It is moments like this that we see how far we have to go. It is moments like this we realize that we do not have a typical life. It is moments like this that I look at all the other families with envy as they quietly sit and eat their meals. But...

The Cleavers we are not! And now that I am back in the comfort my home and the children are calm in the familiarity of smells, sights and sounds... I find peace. Yeah, the Cleavers we are not, but we are the Richardsons. We have diversity, unconditional love, courage and a unique view of the world and for that I am grateful!

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Bedtime Stemming and Emotions

The clock flashed 1:11 am....

My ears had been listening to the non-stop vocal stemming for 4 hours now. My eyes could barely stay open. I had tried every trick I had up my sleeve; brushing, reiki, floor-time... This was just something we had to ride out.

1:24 am...

I was tired, I knew we had a busy day ahead of us; Music therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, and speech therapy. Mondays are our busy days... coming off of a 3 week bout of the kidney stones my mind and body was tired and weak. So tired! Patience has been drained from my essence... I snapped in a voice that must have seemed ferocious to her, "SAHARA, PLEASE GO TO SLEEP!!"

She started to cry. Not a tired cry, but a pissed off 'you hurt my feelings kind of cry!'. She was screaming on top of her lungs this dramatic forced angry cry!! Then she yelled, "I HATE YOU!" (pause) "I HATE YOU!"

I was stunned!!

I laid there in disbelief, not sure if I should cry or laugh. I rewound to the moment my older daughter, Emily, uttered those painful 3 words. I remembered the devastation in my heart and felt a twinge of motherly pain.

1:28 am...

I wasn't sure how to respond, so I laid there listening to the screams and cries of her processing the foreign emotion of being pissed off at her mother. I felt bad I raised my voice. I felt guilty knowing she couldn't control the stemming. And I felt helpless in the knowledge that if I interrupted her, she would have to start all over resulting in a long sleepless night.

1:30 am...

Part of me was quietly relieved as I reached over to rub her warm back. She uttered those hateful words! This had huge significance! It meant that she understood she was pissed off and she understood she was pissed off at me... not the stemming, not the autism, but at her mother for losing her patience. She had come out of her stemming and appropriately experienced her emotions.

1:34 am...

She rolled over into my motherly arms and rest her head upon my breast. She whimpered as she fiddled with my fingers. "Sahara, I love you," I gently whisper as I stroked her tears away. "I love you more than the infinite universe."

1:36 am...

All was quiet. I heard the rise and fall of her exhausted sleep. I brushed away my tears and sighed, "I am so sorry."

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Recipe of the Week: GFCF Sunday Morning Muffins

Mommy is back!!

This morning Emily asked for Blueberry Muffins for breakfast. After spending 3 weeks confined to the couch with kidney stones, I decided to put on the apron and jump back in. Of course, I wasn't lucky enough to have a pre-packaged mix in the pantry. So, I decided to wing it. I found all the ingredients for a coffee cake, surely if I tweaked it a bit I could come up with something... I have to say this was so yummy on a quiet Sunday Morning!!

GFCF Sunday Morning Muffins

1 Egg

1 Egg White

1 Cup Almond Milk - Original

1/2 Oil of choice

1 Container of Diced Pears, drained

6 ounces Fresh Blueberries

1/2 Teaspoon Allspice

2 Cups White Rice Flour

2 Teaspoons Xanthan Gum

1/2 Cup Brown Sugar

1 1/2 Tablespoons Baking Power

1/2 Teaspoon Sea Salt

Topping:

1/2 cup Brown Sugar

1/2 cup Pecans, chopped

1/2 teaspoon Allspice

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Whisk egg, milk, and allspice. Stir in oil and fruit.

In separate bowl combline the rest of the ingrediants. Mix wet and dry together. Fill muffin tins 3/4 and top with 1 teaspoon of topping.

Bake 20 minutes... enjoy!!

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Happy Hallmark Day!!

I am happy to say I didn't get flowers today!! Yep, happy!! I am proud to say we express our love, gratitude, and appreciation for one another everyday. I do not need a Hallmark Day for me to feel special.

My husband staying up with me all night while I was in agony with the kidney stones says more than a dozen roses.

My husband doing the dishes and laundry without request says more than a box of chocolates.

My husband assisting the 4th grade math homework night after night says more than a card.

My husband standing by my side through the journey of Autism says more than diamonds...

I do not need a Hallmark Day aka Valentines Day to know how much my husband loves me or to make me feel special... For reasons beyond words my husband rocks my world daily... not just on a Hallmark Day! I think I said it best in my blog entry: Moment to Moment.

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Stoned and Unemployed

My husband was downsized in October. If you haven't heard, the employment front is not a positive outlook these days. Since there are hundreds (literally) applying for the same job, the employers have raised the bar on expectations and credentials. Being able to cherry pick every candidate that is chosen to actually come in through the door for an interview has left many frustrated and dependent on unemployment benefits.

Families, like ours, are struggling across America. Since I currently stay home with the children and head my daughter's treatment for a diagnosis of autism, we have been left without insurance. When Cobra was offered to us it seemed unreasonable, yet alone unattainable when we were going to be surviving on unemployment. Frankly, we hadn't used medical services for ourselves in the past 15 years, so we were not concerned much. We would continue taking care of ourselves as we have and hold out until he found another J-O-B that would offer benefits.... but of course Murphy's Law must rear its ugly head in desperate times...

Eleven days ago I was walking through the house when I suddenly had a sharp pain in my back. I initially thought that it must be a tight muscle from laying on the couch for the past two days with a head-cold.... until I ended up rolling on the bed with pain as intense as back labor pains!! When the words, "Call an ambulance!" flew from my mouth the instant expression on my husband's face said it all. Certainly, if I was asking for medical intervention it must be serious... then I saw the wheels turn and he started to pace, "We have no insurance.... F@#K!!"

...Yes, hundreds of thousands invested into the health care system and we were left facing a crisis with nothing!

As soon as the paramedic saw me, he uttered the dreaded words, "Kidney stones." Being the overachiever that I am, my body tried to rid 3 stones at once with a 6 millimeter one heading the way causing a blockage in my ureter. The CAT scan uncovered that I had another 5 stones in the kidney ranging from 2-8 millimeters.

Two days later I was in surgery, but not after we had to fork up a $5oo deposit to secure our slot on the schedule, "This is the generous self-pay option we offer." Generous for who? Certainly the Hippocratic Oath did not mean much in the private sector. (Did you know that most medical schools do not even require this oath?) Not seeing any other option we paid the money to have the urologist put in a stent to push the stone back into the kidney and to open the kidney and bladder to allow the urine to flow without obstruction.

Several days later the Kidney Stone Center called to pre-register me for Ultrasonic Lithotripsy; the use of high frequency sound waves to pulverize the stones. Of course we had to tell them we didn't have insurance. The pause on the phone followed by the statement, "Oh, you're a self pay... you need to talk with Verina," created a cringe in me. Why was I so embarrassed??? It wasn't like we eagerly volunteered to have my husband downsized in the middle of a suppression nor did we sign up for me to stay home because of the elephant in America's front room called Autism.

The financial advisor reassured me we didn't need the whole $7170 up front.... but, that isn't what was bothering me. It was the thought of accuring another debt and feeling responsible for this financial burden my family was facing. I felt so incredibly guilty... didn't I take care of myself good enough? I had this incredible sense of blame about these darn stones in my kidney...

I still have 2 days to go until the lithotripsy and will have to keep the stent in for an undetermined amount of time to prevent obstruction. Honestly, the various medications that I have been on frighten me more than any of the procedures. Having had a clean system for 15 years, I am sure my body is freaking out about the differing chemicals surging through me. So, I guess I will be doing that liver and/or body cleanse I have been putting off sooner than later.

Of course, I have researched kidney stones, natural cures and the like. The obvious finding is that I should be drinking, yet, even more water than I do. Mineralized water should be drank moderately as it contains calcium. Cranberry juice is another fluid that will help clean out the kidneys.

Some of the recommendations are steps we have already taken to improve our health; reduce sugar, soda, caffeine, alcohol, and refined foods. It is also recommended that you avoid animal byproducts, dairy, cheese and oxalate containing foods (beets, spinach, nuts, black tea, chocolate, beans, and strawberries). Oxlalate foods will be hard for me to eliminate as I love all of the items on the list!

Alternative health options always improve the function of the body, which might be why my body decided to attempt to excrete these stones in the first place. Accupuncture, chiropractic, reflexology, massage, reiki and meditation are all modalities that have reported beneficial health benefits.

For now, I have reduced the meds down to the smallest amount I can tolerate and still have the pain manageable, the children are pretty calm considering they are completely out of their routine and my husband is still holding strong even though I am sure he is on the brink of exhaustion. However, I presume this, too, will pass (no pun intended).

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