Dear #901

I was reading some “friendly debate” on the vaccination-autism connection posted by Heather on dooce.com. This particular post did not have a comment section available anymore. (Not sure why, since I did just post a comment on this site Easter Sunday, but now I can’t.) So… I would like to comment here… I hope if finds its way to #901.


Dear #901,

The conversation has been circling around concern that if you don’t vaccinate your child that it will die of the measles. You should know that the CDC reported 161 cases of measles in first half of 2007, yet, the chances of a child regressing into the world of autism in that same year was 1 out of 150. In regards to whether or not to vaccinate your child you wrote, “The following statement will probably piss folks off but the truth, for me, is that I would rather risk autism than death.”

Caution…. According to these statistics, you just might get your wish…

You would rather have your child experience autism over death? Do you realize that sometimes autism is like death? That these little souls are trapped in a physical body? Have you tried to interact with a child with autism? Do you even know one? (You should – the numbers are an astounding!)

Does your child look you in the eye? Does your child respond to his name or the sound of your voice? Has your child ever said I love you to you? What is her favorite color? What is her favorite food? Does she now her name? Your name? Can you keep your child clothed? Do you know the heart sinking experience of having your non-verbal child wander out of the home or out of your sight?

Does he exhibit odd behavior in public? Do the people comment on how bad of a mother you are because your child appears uncontrollable? Can he follow simple directions? Can you go out to eat? Can you go to church? Do you have to prepare special meals with special ingredients? Does she consume non-food items? Does he have obsessions with repetitive behavior like spinning or reciting an entire cartoon before she can fall asleep?

What about your other children? Do they feel like they are always on the back burner? Or embarrassed because every time their friends come over their sister is naked? Or feel awkward because their brother can’t talk? Or frustrated that they can’t play normal games with their autistic sister? Do they sport low self esteem because of the challenges a child with a sibling of autism faces?

What about you? Has your family been forced to one income? Are you running every which way to therapy, neurology appointments, geneticist, occupational therapy, speech therapy, physical therapy, music therapy, socialization classes, and special stores? Do you have a social life? When is the last time your husband and you went out on a date? A vacation? Do you have a hobby? When is the last time you had coffee with a friend?

Can your child understand the difference between a good touch and a bad touch? Can you educate your daughter about stranger danger? What will happen if you die? Who will take care of her when she is an adult? Will she get married? Hold a job? Live independently? Will she be able to have insurance coverage? Can you understand that parents of children with disabilities sometimes secretly pray for the child to pass before the parent, because they can’t comprehend what might happen to their child if she outlives them?

I really don’t think that you understand the heartache, the sleepless nights, fear, stress, agony, and the questions, oh sooo many questions, that can never be answered! There are times it feels like you are living with a stranger in a little person’s body. Sometimes it feels as if your child has been prematurely taken from you? You look at her and don’t know who she is or what she is about. And you beg God to wake her up and then you wonder why God is not listening.

But…#901, I would never claim to understand what it is like to lose a child to death. I can only imagine how horrible that must be. But I do know what it is like to lose a child to the spectrum. I know the strife and grief I endure daily.

My strength comes from understanding that these children have been chosen and have agreed to allow this to happen to them from a cosmic plane, and for that, how could I be pissed at you?

In the recess of my cells I know God is listening and am able to summon the strength to say, “Thank you for giving me a contract with this intriguing soul... Lord, thank you for trusting that I could handle this challenge. I promise to fulfill this contract to the best of my earthly ability, to help others understand the harm these vaccinations can cause, and to learn all I can to help reverse this debilitating condition in order to help save others from this isolated journey. “

#901, I believe that when a child dies God needed another angel… somehow that makes the unjustness of it seem less. I, also, believe when a child experiences autism, God recognizes that we needed an angel among us. Neither is worse or better than the other. They are both tragic experiences, yet cosmic contracts that neither of us will understand.

Sincerely, An Earth Angel’s Mother